being okay in freefall - empowerment in surrender

I’ve tried to present myself always above water. I could not handle the confrontation of being unable. I denied myself the resources and care that I deserve, that everyone deserves to be well. I honor that part of me that felt small and inconvenient, like if I spoke and was heard, the receiving party would simply melt. Over the last year, I’ve experienced that with my capacity-building was confusing to most. As if simply seeing me and hearing me was radical. 

The standard of treatment and connection continues to rise. 

I’m pretty cringe. I am big and bold and unavoidable. You feel me when even trying to distance yourself, maybe even more in that way. For myself, the more I retreated and opted out, my body screamed, and my rage needed a space to flow. I began to free-fall. The containers of my limitation began to recede and disintegrate. My skin stretched and stretched and stretched until I no longer wanted to crawl out of it. However, these containers were also my safeguard. I had nothing but my word and my being to represent me - no job, no partner, no allegiances. As an emotionally avoidant person, it took going really deep and low and cold until I needed to release the things I needed to speak for me - my capacity to generate wealth and resources, the people I communed with and shared space and love through, and the inner and outer callings of my spirit, and those who agreed with me. 

There is so much expansion in not knowing. The more I created barriers and confines that limited the way I could show up and the way Spirit could show up and move me, reminding me, “How big can it get?” and “How free do you want to be? I accepted I didn’t want to have it all figured out, I didn’t want to be God, I didn’t need to control every aspect of my life and the lives of others. I am limited, I do not know everything - I want to expand, I want to learn and I am willing and able to seek and integrate the humility in that. 

I am building that self-trust up. I am open to not relying on time to be the dictator of my progress. Here are some affirmations and declarations I’ve worked with to assist me on this path:

1. I can honor my limitations and assets in the same breath. 

2. There is knowledge in all experiences. 

3. The external does not dictate the internal. 

4. I am capable of doing hard things. 

5. I cannot escape the human experience and its emotional qualities. 

6. Allow people their process. 

7. My rage is sacred. 

8. Serenity is possible. 

9. I need help. 

10. Where is the magic in this moment? 

Thank you for seeing and hearing me and mulling on this further.

With care,

Jae